We spoke with Arancha Merino, an expert in emotional engineering and the author of various books, such as Haz que cada mañana salga el sol (‘Make the sun shine every day’) and ¿Por qué me pasa lo que me pasa? (‘How do I cause things that happen to me?’). She has dedicated the past 20 years to understanding and mobilising the potential of people who start businesses, helping them to achieve better results.
We have six basic emotions: fear, sadness, anger, pride, love and happiness. Each one of these emotions has a specific purpose in our pursuit of a happy and balanced life. In order to feel fulfilled, we seek out various things in our lives. We have the basic need for security, the need to develop as a person. We seek justice, praise, and the sense of belonging to a group of like-minded people. These needs are what give all of us our sense of purpose, they motivate us, and we can achieve them if we manage our emotions correctly.
Our emotions each serve to help us satisfy one of these needs. We do not feel emotions at random; they are always caused by a stimulus.
When we are born, our emotions are perfectly tuned to their corresponding stimuli. We respond to every stimulus in our lives with the appropriate emotion and, by doing so, we achieve the aforementioned goals.
Sometime between the ages of three and seven, we stop connecting stimuli to their corresponding emotions, due to the influence from our parents and social, cultural as well as religious beliefs. So now we have to relearn what we knew from the start.
Even though we think that emotions are either positive or negative, the truth is that all emotions are absolutely necessary. A distinction we can make is between true and false emotions.
- An emotion is true when we feel it in response to the stimulus that should cause it. A true feeling allows us to solve problems and feel a sense of achievement; it fills us with positive energy and vitality.
- An emotion is false when we feel it in response to a stimulus that should not cause it. A false emotion makes us feel upset, it makes problems seem worse than they are, it fills us with negative energy and, as a result, we develop physical signs of stress.
By way of example, let us look at when we experience loss. Let us say we have missed a flight that would have taken us on a holiday. The appropriate emotion for loss, the one that would serve to satisfy one of our needs, would be sadness.
- Sadness is the emotion that makes us intelligent. It allows us to think, analyse and identify what options we have, helping us to find the best way to make up for the loss. This means that the purpose of sadness is development.
- If we were to feel anger, we would (wrongly) interpret the situation as an injustice, as anger is the emotion that is caused by situations of manipulation, betrayal, exploitation, or deceit. However, as in this case nobody has betrayed or manipulated us, this anger would be a false emotion, an incorrect response that would hinder us from achieving one of our motivators and would make us feel resentment and a desire for revenge.
Every situation that we experience in life requires only one emotion – the appropriate one. Responding with the correct emotion is what allows us to satisfy our needs. Any other emotion that a stimulus causes will create emotional dysfunctions within our mind and body.
Jealousy is caused by feeling anger instead of pride. Pride is the emotion for admiration. If you cannot admire someone for doing something you yourself cannot, you have no choice but to feel jealous.
This is what successfully managing our emotions is about. We must be able to analyse situations that affect us and apply the appropriate emotion, instead of letting our emotions take the lead and letting them decide how we feel.
The main challenge is that we must learn to observe what is happening at every moment. Our lives are very fast paced and we tend to react without paying attention to the actual stimulus. We let life pass us by.
In order to learn how to manage our emotions, we must start by making one clear decision. We must decide to stop letting life pass us by and choose to pay attention to every moment, so that we can analyse what is happening and always choose the appropriate emotion with which to respond.
Someone who successfully manages their emotions is someone who has taken complete responsibility for what happens in their life. This is why they do not judge others, but look at their own shortfalls first so as to improve. They do not complain, or blame or criticise others, because they know that they themselves can take steps to resolve any conflicts that arise, as complicated as they may seem.
Take note of how many people around you take on the role of the victim, hoping that others will solve their problems for them, how many are always complaining and blaming others for their unhappiness and how many deeply fear change, preferring to spend their lives in their comfort zone.
Nothing will change if you yourself do not change, if you do not do anything to transform the passive role you are playing or your way of thinking into something that you can be proud.
Someone who cannot direct themselves will never be able to be direct anything, not a team, not a business, not a family. We can only lead our own lives and others successfully if we know how to respond to stimuli with the appropriate emotions.
If we allow our emotions to do as they please, we are no longer the one dictating our direction. Our emotions are the ones deciding where we are going and we simply follow their lead, completely at their mercy.
To become an integral leader in your life and to set an example for others to do the same, you must pay attention to every stimulus and respond with the appropriate emotion.
What do all good and responsible leaders have in common?
- Good leaders can say no to things that pose a threat or risk to their inner selves. They know how to limit the effects of any threat to their inner balance. They know how to respect themselves and how to get others to respect them. For this, good leaders must successfully manage fear and the purpose of fear, which is security.
- Good leaders are not scared of making mistakes, as they know that failure is the best teacher. They focus on how to make up for losses by accepting the situation. For this, good leaders must successfully manage sadness and the purpose of sadness, which is development.
- Good leaders know when to banish exploitation, manipulation or betrayal from their lives. They know when others are lying and seek justice in a healthy and fair way. For this, good leaders must successfully manage anger.
- Good leaders know how to admire those who have achieved more than themselves. They do not compare or compete, they do not judge. They decide to grow and change instead. For this, good leaders must successfully manage pride and the purpose of pride, which is personal recognition.
- Good leaders know how to do their best for those who deserve it, instead of for those who victimise themselves. They create environments in which individuals can be themselves and in which sharing is a priority. For this, good leaders must successfully manage love and the purpose of love, which is belonging.
- Good leaders know how live in the moment. They see life as a constant source of joy, to be spent with like-minded people. They reject control and the desire to always be right. For this, good leaders must successfully manage happiness and the purpose of happiness, which is fulfilment.
Apart from always observing what is going on around us, which is the first thing we must learn to do, we must also acknowledge that only we are responsible for our lives and our happiness, nobody else.
No one can live your life for you, just as no one can feel your happiness for you.
Thinking in this way does not make us selfish, it shows that we are grateful for the life that we have and means we have understood that we are alone in this world, that we are here for a reason and that the people around us are there to make us act, make decisions and feel good or bad about ourselves.
You have your potential; do not give this away. No one is better than you – or worse than you either. Go on your way, stay true to your values, to your ideals, be consistent, and always try to improve. Do it for you, to give thanks for being alive.
Always be authentic and stay independent, be proud of who you are. Do not let others waste your time. Do not allow past experiences to influence your present. Do not let others manipulate you, do not let them get in your way or make you doubt yourself. Accept and be proud of your positive qualities and take responsibility for the negative ones.
Lastly, be honest. Always seek the truth and move towards it as you go on your way. The truth is the only thing that frees us.
