Have you ever stopped to think about if you communicate violently? We often think that we do not use violence because we do not physically harm anyone. However, physical violence is only one of many types of violence. For instance, certain words can be as painful as a punch, and they have severe psychological consequences on us and others.
We are communicating violently every time we use irony, threat, hostile criticism, labels, comparison, imposition. Most of the time, we do not intend to harm others, but we end up doing so. Also, of course, we are victims of violence, or we receive it.
This violent communication dynamic is the default mode of our cultures and societies. In other words, it is what we have learned.
“When a society is hostile, what is revolutionary is to be gentle”, Virginia Gawel.
We are not guilty but responsible. As soon as we realize that we are reproducing that mode of communication, we can do something. We can commit ourselves to adopt a more empathetic way, which takes care of our dignity and the dignity of others. Violence can build up a level of constant tension and stress in our lives, which completely blocks our creativity and potential, making us slaves to our own fears, anxieties, and resentment.
As well as undermining our personal and professional development, violence is gradually damaging our closest relationships (for example, a partner or a relative). Sometimes we are involved in unnecessary conflicts because we remain in a superficial level of conversation, discussing who is right.
A famous story tells about two sisters who were fighting over an orange. When their mother asked them why they needed it, one replied that she wanted its peel for a cake, and the other answered that she just wanted its pulp to make juice. Conflict solved.
If that question about what they value hadn’t existed, the discussion between the sisters would have gone on longer. Moreover, the outcome would have been undesirable: less satisfactory results for both people and a weakened relationship. Marshall Rosenberg was an american psychologist who developed the method of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a series of simple steps that allow us to resolve conflicts and differences peacefully and effectively.
“Violence is the tragic expression of unmet needs”, according to Marshall Rosenberg.
That means that when we act violently, our behavior hides a fundamental unmet human need, asking us to pay attention. It is not a matter of justifying our violent behavior but of deepening our comprehension of it. Only when we understand we can change it.
This method proposes a particular way of communication: to express oneself with honesty and to listen with empathy. A disclaimer: the steps may seem pretty simple and easy, but the challenge is to put them into practice and to sustain it over time.
- Try to perceive what is happening without making a judgment. We are so used to expressing our opinions quickly that to stop doing so requires a firm intention.
- Observe how the situation you witness affects you. Specifically, ask yourself what emotions or feelings (or a mixture of these) arise. Naming what we feel helps to show the other person what we are experiencing.
- Connect with your needs. Ask yourself: what do I truly need? According to the author, we all have these needs: nutrition and physical care, autonomy, recreation, celebration and commemoration, integrity, spiritual communion, and interdependence.
- Make requests. Most of the time, we wait for the other person to guess what we want. And this rarely happens. We need to make concrete and specific requests that honestly express how we expect the person to contribute to our well-being in each particular situation. It makes things easier. It also gives the other person the chance to decide whether to agree to our request or not.
We share this free guide of Nonviolent Communication, with the step by step to express yourself according to this model. For non-violent listening, we should apply the same process but this time focusing on what the other person is experiencing. We try to reveal how the other person sees the situation (observation). Then we explore his/her feelings (feelings). Afterward, we investigate his/her unmet needs (needs). Lastly, we ask him/her what requests the person would like to make to increase his/her wellbeing level (requests).
Important:
- Don’t just pay attention to the opinions or explanations you are receiving but look for the needs underlying what they are expressing.
- Do not make assumptions. Ask questions and check if you understand correctly.
- Be patient and give some time for the people to explore their own needs (often this is the first time they have asked themselves what they need)
- Provide empathy throughout the process, showing genuine interest in what is happening to them.
Having cleared up the needs of both parties, propose strategies to resolve the conflict, outlining them in affirmative language of action. In other words, we detail what actions we will each take to achieve a real “win-win.”
If more people manage to unlearn the mode of violent communication and learn to relate to each other peacefully, we can build more authentic relationships in the present. We also make future generations grow up in a more harmonious and humane environment.
You may also be interested in this article on active listening.
